2.0

Thoughts After My Miscarriage

In November, we took a pregnancy test and found out that we were expecting baby 2.0 - we had decided to start trying in October and were overjoyed when I fell pregnant again right away. By December, I could tell something wasn't right. I had experienced some spotting and demanded my doctors office perform a blood test and ultrasound. The results came back from the blood test the morning before I had the ultrasound. My progesterone was extremely low (only 5) and I had to wait several hours to get the ultrasound done. I already knew what they were going to tell me though. It was at that point (on Dec 5, 2017) that Andy and I learned that our little 2.0 was an angel baby.

I never thought that I would be the 1/4 women who experience a miscarriage. I never thought that could happen to me. Sure, my pregnancy with Hudson wasn't easy by any means (horrible morning sickness, tired, gestational diabetes, gained sixty pounds even though I was on an extremely strict no carb, no sugar diet) - but never did I think that a pregnancy would just end.

I cried so hard the days before my blood test. I kept telling Andy that my symptoms were fading and that I knew I was losing the baby. He kept reassuring me to remain positive, like the strong husband figure should. He was my rock. I literally laid in the floor one night crying and he stood there patting my back and hugging me and just let me cry.

When they told me that I had the miscarriage, I didn't cry. I actually felt like it was closure. I already knew. I had cried so hard in the days leading up because I already knew and then them telling me just made me realize that I knew my body and that it was the end of our 2.0 journey until we see little 2.0 in heaven one day.

I am a firm believer that God has a plan for our family. I know there is a path made for us that we can't see - but that one day we will understand. Right now we are on a bumpy path in the road. Right now we have to just focus on getting through the holidays with the smiling happy people.

One of the hardest things for me is seeing pregnancy announcements all around me. I didn't realize how hard this would be. While I write congratulations on the post, I am so sad that it's not me that will get to hold another little squishy baby in my arms come next summer. I truly am happy for all of my friends who have become pregnant - and I want them to have happy, successful pregnancies - I am just (jealous?) that it's not me. I wish so badly I could be celebrating being pregnant together. I wish so badly my thoughts would flee my head and stop making a storm cloud over all of the happiness. 

I know that one day I will have my rainbow baby, if that is God's will. A rainbow baby is a baby that is born after a miscarriage. A rainbow after the storm. The doctor gave us the "go-ahead" to start trying for 2.1 - so we will start trying again soon. Praying that our 2.1 will be a successful pregnancy. Scared at the same time because our chances of miscarriage are still 25% (same with all pregnancies - women who have had and have not had a miscarriage.) 

I hold Hudson (19 months old right now) a little tighter when I hug him lately. I am more grateful for that rough pregnancy that I got to experience. I am grateful for his smiles and tears and laughter. For every little inch of his body. I can't begin to imagine what this miscarriage would have been like if I didn't have him to hold onto. 

I am sad.

I am scared.

I am jealous.

I am angry.

BUT...

I am hopeful.

I am blessed.

I am praying for 2.1

I don't want my friends and family to walk on egg shells around me. I don't want to continue to be asked if I am okay either though. I want to move forward. I want to (hopefully) become pregnant again soon. I am no longer feeling angry like I was the first few days after the miscarriage. I am still sad. I still have moments of jealousy - not of the "person" but of the fact that they are pregnant and that I am not. Hopefully, that will fade. Maybe it wont ever go away. Maybe getting pregnant again will fix that. I am scared. I am scared that this will happen to me again. I am scared that I wont be able to get pregnant again. I am scared of the unknown. I am hopeful though - because I trust that even if we are not able to conceive another baby - there are other options for us like adoption if it comes to that. I am blessed with an amazing husband and a precious little boy. I am praying for 2.1 - but more than even that - I am praying for God's will to be done for my family. 

<3 Hugs <3